


If You Fell Down Yesterday, Stand Up Today

by Rae325



Series: The Future Is Going to Be a Wondrous Place [2]
Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:51:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae325/pseuds/Rae325
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myka and Helena decide to have a child together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The question has weighed heavily on Myka's mind since she introduced Helena to her family this afternoon. Since Myka's three-year-old nephew had taken such a shine to Helena that by the end of the afternoon he had been calling her Aunt Helena. Since Myka had watched Helena spend nearly a half-hour with the little boy discussing the proper way to make an ice cream sundae while smiling like she didn't have a care in the world. It's not the first time Myka has wondered, but maybe it is finally time to ask.

"Is something wrong?" Helena asks when she comes out of the bathroom to find Myka staring into space with  _A Study in Scarlet_ sitting idly in her lap.

"I need to ask you something, but I don't want to upset you."

Helena's heart pounds painfully in her chest. Her mind jumps to Myka's health; has the cancer come back? Helena feels like she can't breathe.

Myka sees the fear written on Helena's face. "No, it's nothing bad," Myka reassures quickly. She's two years cancer free, but the specter of the illness and the threat of a recurrence are ever-present fears for both Helena and Myka.

Helena climbs into bed besides Myka, her face still etched with worry. Myka smiles gently. "I promise this isn't bad," Myka whispers, but she feels so uncertain and Myka hates uncertainty.

"It's just something that we've never talked about. And since we're together now, we probably should. Because it's the kind of thing that couples talk about."

Helena tries to take deep breaths and calm herself. It's difficult for her mind not to jump to the worst possibility. "What is it, my love?"

"Do you want to have another child?"

The question takes Helena by surprise. She's never let herself think about the possibility.

"I'm sorry," Myka says immediately when she sees how very upset Helena appears. "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."

"No, no," Helena says quickly, finally finding her footing enough to speak. But then she doesn't know what to say, because she truly doesn't know if having another child is something that she could do.

Myka lets the silence play out, giving Helena time. After a few long minutes Helena finally speaks. "I'm sorry Myka," she whispers, feeling uncomfortable with her inability to find any words.

Myka reaches out her arm hoping that Helena will welcome the embrace. Helena moves closer to Myka, leaning against her chest slightly as Myka wraps an arm around her lover.

"It's ok if you don't want more kids," Myka reassures. "I don't even know if I do. I just…I see the way you light up with children, and I didn't want you not to have that again if you want it."

Helena's eyes fill with tears. Myka's caring and love is overwhelming, and even after three years together Helena still struggles to accept being loved like this.

The memory of how much joy Helena's darling daughter had brought her fills Helena's mind; she thinks of how unexpected and wonderful loving Christina had been, how miraculous a gift she had been.

"I don't…" Helena begins, but she trails off.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Please tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking quite a lot of things at the moment."

"Such as?" Myka asks, her lips curving into an impatient smile.

And then Helena is thinking something completely different. She's thinking of Myka. Myka cradling their baby. Myka reading to their child. Myka teaching their brilliant child all about the endless wonders of the world.

Myka watches as Helena's face seems to glow with a brilliant smile. "What are you thinking?" Myka asks again.

"I was just thinking of you with our child," Helena replies, because it is so much easier to share the good than to share her seemingly endless fears and guilt.

"It's a terrifying thought, isn't it?" Myka jokes. "You'd have to teach me a lot."

Helena looks at Myka with such seriousness and confidence that Myka almost believes her words. "You would be an incredible mother." Myka scoffs at that. "What would ever make you think you wouldn't be a good mother?"

"You met my parents," Myka says, like this should clear everything up. "I don't really know a lot about functional parenting. It took my father almost dying for us to even speak."

"And despite that you turned into the most amazing woman I have ever known. You understand love. You loved me and believed in me even when you shouldn't have. That's how I know you will be a great mother."

"I think there may be more to it than loving the kid."

Helena smiles. "Changing nappies and bedtime routines you can learn. What matters is loving and accepting your child. The rest of it will just fall into place."

Helena sees the skeptical expression on Myka's face. "It's true. I certainly had no idea what I was doing when Christina came along, but she was awfully forgiving of my mistakes."

Helena's face drops as her mind flitters from the small mistakes she had made in her child's infancy to the one that had cost Christina her life.

Myka watches Helena's face fall, and she knows in an instant where Helena's mind has gone. "Christina's death wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it? I should have been with her, but I left her with my cousins. I was selfish Myka," Helena says, her voice dripping with shame and self-loathing. "I was off on an adventure while my daughter was being murdered."

Myka places her hands on Helena's cheeks. "It was not your fault." Myka stares at Helena; it feels almost unbearable to look at how much pain Helena's eyes hold right now. "It wasn't your fault Helena. I know that you were an amazing mother."

Helena shakes her head as tears begin to leak from her eyes breaking Myka's heart further. "Any child would be lucky to have you as their mother," Myka says, her own voice thick with the beginnings of tears.

"I should have been there," Helena cries.

"You can't be with a kid constantly. You left Christina with family. You couldn't have known what would happen."

Helena sniffles back her tears. She doesn't believe the words Myka has spoken, but she knows that Myka does. "Thank you for saying that."

"I said it because it's the truth."

Helena's hand reaches up to clutch at her locket. Helena sighs and decides to share her thoughts, even though she knows Myka will tell her it's ridiculous. "I don't deserve to have another child. I couldn't protect Christina."

"You tried everything in your power to save her. You went back in time, and it still wasn't possible. It was beyond your control."

"I'm her mother. It was my job to protect her."

"You did everything you could," Myka says, wondering how she can make Helena believe this. "Everything that anyone could."

Helena feels sick, can see the images of Christina's bloodied body when she blinks back the tears that threaten again. It's too much to think about, and so she does her best to push the images of her daughter from her mind.

Myka sees Helena struggling to rebuild the walls around those painful memories. She wonders how Helena lives with this pain, how she goes through each day carrying this. Myka understands how desperately Helena needs to box away those memories.

"I'm sorry for reminding you of what happened to your Christina," Myka whispers.

Helena smiles at the way Myka says  _your Christina_. Myka has always honored Christina's place in Helena's heart. "Don't be sorry. I don't ever want to forget her. Even if that means being in pain, I won't forget her."

Myka reaches up and wraps her hand around Helena's, atop the locket. "Are you afraid that if you had another child you would forget Christina?" Myka asks gently. Helena doesn't answer, but Myka can see the fear written on her face. "Nothing could make you love Christina less. You know that," Myka insists as she settles a palm against Helena's chest. "You loved Adelaide, and I know that didn't change how much you love Christina."

Helena's throat burns with sobs desperate to escape. "I felt like I was betraying her. As much as I knew I was betraying you with Nate, I was betraying Christina by loving Adelaide like a daughter."

And then Helena is sobbing. For the first time since she emerged from bronze, Helena is sobbing uncontrollably for her daughter. Fierce, painful sobs that wrack her chest. Crying so hard that she can barely catch her breath. Her chest aches and Helena fears that she will be consumed by the pain if she doesn't stop crying soon.

Myka wraps her arms around Helena, holding on tightly and wishing desperately that there were a way to take Helena's pain away, to give her back the daughter that she lost.

In Myka's arms, Helena lets go. She lets the pain and the loss and the grief crash down on her. She lets herself cry harder and harder and be consumed by a sadness that seems never ending. She clutches onto Myka desperately.

"You haven't betrayed Christina," Myka promises.

"Your daughter loved you," Myka whispers. "She would want you to be happy."

"It wasn't your fault." Myka repeats.

Helena cries and cries as she listens to the words that she struggles to believe.

Myka sits there holding Helena and patiently waiting for her to run out of tears. When she finally does, Helena feels utterly exhausted. She feels emptied out, lighter, and so utterly without protection. When she pulls back she sees Myka smiling gently at her.

"Thank you," Helena says in a horse voice. "I didn't mean to fall apart like that." Hysterics were for the Victorian women that Helena so despised. Helena had trained herself to be dignified, to refrain from displays of emotion.

"It's ok that you did."

Helena's head throbs from the intensity of her crying. "You intended for us to have a conversation, and instead I cried in your arms. I'm sorry Myka. I barely even asked you if you want a baby."

"I told you. If you don't want to talk about this then I would never force you."

"No," Helena begins hesitantly. "I do." Even hearing Myka mention the idea of having children together had been enough to stir a longing in Helena that she doesn't think she'll be able to simply bury. "Perhaps tomorrow."

It frightens Helena what has been brought to the surface with Myka's question. It scares Helena to want something so much that she knows she should never have.

"Whenever you're ready. There's no need to rush."

Helena nods and tries to push from her mind thoughts that are far too complicated for her to deal with in the wake of her breakdown. "I love you Myka."

"I love you too."

"If it's all right with you, I think I just want to go to sleep now."

"Of course." Myka pulls Helena against her chest as she lies down. She runs her hands through Helena's hair. The pain radiating off of Helena's body is still palpable, and Myka wonders if she made a mistake by bringing up children at all. But then she thinks of the way Helena's face had lit up at the thought of Myka with their child, and Myka knows that the conversation isn't over. Myka realizes that she better get her head straightened out about how she feels about children, because she is fairly certain that beneath the grief and guilt, Helena wants to be a mother again.

Myka's heart races in her chest with terror at the thought of children. Tomorrow she can tell that to Helena, tomorrow she can let Helena reassure her that she won't screw up their kid. But for now Helena needs her.

Helena curls against Myka's side and wraps her arms firmly around her lover's waist. Helena thinks of Christina, of the baby suckling at her breast, the toddler taking her first steps, the inquisitive child she had grown to be. Helena thinks of how joy had returned to her life after so long when she had met Myka. Joy that Helena still feels guilty for experiencing, but joy that she has let in nonetheless. She thinks of how wonderful it could be to have a baby with Myka and wonders if Christina could forgive her for loving another child. Helena wonders if she could forgive herself.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Myka wakes up to find Helena's side of the bed empty. Last night was difficult, but Myka had been grateful that Helena had opened up to her about Christina. Whatever they decided about having kids together, Myka had hoped that last night had been the beginning of Helena sharing more about Christina's life and death. But waking up alone frightens Myka and makes her wonder if she pushed Helena too hard.

Myka brushes her teeth, puts in her contact lenses, and quickly makes her way downstairs to look for Helena. Myka goes to the garden first, knowing that it is one of her lover's favorite places to go to think. There had been many days during Myka's cancer treatments that she had found Helena sitting in the garden with her journal or simply staring at the blue sky on a sunny day.

What greets Myka in the garden today is a surprise. Helena is there, but she isn't alone. Abigail is sitting in a chair besides her listening intently. There is no doubt in Myka's mind what Helena and Abigail are discussing, and Myka's heart swells with pride that Helena is doing this.

"Really Mykes," Pete says, coming up next to Myka and startling her. "You stare at her naked every night. Are you going to spend all your time looking at HG? I mean don't get me wrong she's hot. Really, really hot."

"Enough." Myka pulls her eyes away from Helena and turns to scowl at Pete.

"You ok?" Pete asks noticing that Myka's scowl lacks its usual conviction.

"Yeah."

"HG?"

"She's ok," Myka says, hoping that it's true.

"Really? Because that look on your face does not say  _everything's ok_."

"We just were talking about some stuff last night."

"Secrets, secrets," Pete teases.

"I, um, I asked Helena if she wants to have a baby."

"Wow. I didn't know that you wanted kids."

"I'm not sure that I do," Myka replies, and Pete scrunches up his face with confusion. "I want Helena to be happy."

"Isn't it obvious that she is?" Pete asks. "You two are good for each other."

Myka smiles at Pete; she loves how much he has come to like Helena. They're a long way from when he was calling her  _Lady Cuckoo_. But then again Helena is a long way from where she was when she tried to end the world.

"I think so too," Myka says with a cheeky grin.

When Pete catches Helena approaching them he takes his cue and heads to the kitchen to find himself something for breakfast.

"Good morning darling," Helena says as she walks up to Myka, eyes red but dry.

"Are you ok?" Myka asks scrutinizing Helena.

Helena nods and offers Myka a small smile. "Have you had breakfast yet?" Helena asks.

"Nope. I just got out of bed."

"Let's get you some food." Helena has never quite shaken the overprotective worrying girlfriend routine that she picked up when Myka was sick. And though it annoyed Myka to no end at first, she has grown to enjoy letting Helena take care of her.

Helena takes Myka's hand in hers as they walk towards the kitchen. "Shall we make pancakes today? It seems like a full house this morning, and I'm certain everyone would enjoy it."

"Yeah, that sounds good." Myka glances over at Helena and can't help but imagine her making breakfast for their child. She imagines a girl with dark eyes like Helena's eating a plate of pancakes smothered in syrup. Myka wonders if Helena could cope with another daughter with her eyes and hair.

Helena spies Pete with a chocolate bar in his hand and yanks it away from him. "Hey!" Pete protests.

"Myka and I are making pancakes."

"Don't ever move out," Pete warns. He's heard a few too many discussions of Myka and Helena buying a house together for his liking. Helena is far too good of a cook to lose at the bed and breakfast.

Myka rolls her eyes as she retrieves ingredients from the refrigerator. "Go bother someone else," she tells Pete. He sneaks over to the counter, reclaims his candy bar, and leaves the room.

Myka watches as Helena pops a few blueberries in her mouth before beginning to mix ingredients. "You can simply ask, Myka."

"What?"

"I can  _feel_ you staring at me."

"I'm sorry," Myka whispers. She wraps her arm softly around Helena's waist.

"It's ok darling. I'm all right. I had a good talk with Abigail this morning." Helena waits, but clearly Myka isn't going to pry. "I couldn't sleep last night. I thought a great deal about what you asked me, and I can imagine nothing more wonderful than having a child with you. But I don't think that I'm ready yet. I'm too afraid of what I do to the people that I love."

"Helena-"

"Please let me finish. I've hurt you very badly. I tried to end the world because I was in pain."

"That was a long time ago."

"I'm scared Myka. I don't trust myself to be a good mother now, and I don't trust myself to be the partner you need."

"You are exactly who I need. How can you still not trust yourself to be my partner? You pretty much are the reason I made it through chemo and radiation."

"That isn't true," Helena insists.

Myka isn't so sure. She had intended to face cancer alone until Helena showed up in her hospital room and refused to let Myka deal with any of it on her own. Myka can't imagine how she would have ever been strong enough without Helena.

Myka leans down slightly to kiss Helena, overwhelmed with gratitude and love.

"I am going to start speaking with Abigail and try to get myself sorted," Helena promises. "You deserve better than what I can offer you right now."

"I told you I don't need kids."

Helena nods. "But if it's something that you're even considering, then you should think long and hard before you decide that it's something you're willing to pass on. Every moment that I spent with Christina was an unparalleled gift, and I should have asked sooner whether you wanted to be a mother."

Myka shakes her head. "I told you, I'm not sure that I do. I never gave it too much thought. I was busy focusing on my career for most of my life. Honestly the first time I really thought about kids was when I had my hysterectomy." Helena pulls Myka's against her side and holds her tightly; it's a reflexive act by now and a comfort to both of them when Myka's illness is mentioned. "I was more upset than I thought I would be at the prospect of not being able to have kids, but I just figured that it wasn't meant to be."

"Since when do you believe in fate?" Helena asks, and Myka just shrugs. "Well for the record, I am certain that cancer was not a sign about your ability to be a good mother. You, my love, would be incredible. And I do believe that in these modern times we would have many options for how to have a child."

Myka reaches up and wipes a few silent tears from her cheeks, and Helena presses a soft kiss against Myka's wet temple.

"You really want to think about this?" Myka asks.

"Yes, as long as you do as well."

Myka nods. She's afraid, but she also thinks that maybe this could be wonderful.

"I need some time first," Helena says. "If I'm going to be a good mother then I need to finally try to deal with losing Christina."

Myka's heart swells with pride and love again.

"Abigail has agreed to help me," Helena continues, "and if you could as well I would appreciate that."

"Of course. Anything you need."

"Abigail encouraged me to talk about Christina."

"I would love to hear about her," Myka says gently. "However much or little you can share, I want to know about your daughter."

"Thank you," Helena says smiling at the woman that she loves so much. Myka has given her so much more support and companionship than Helena had ever dreamed of before she was bronzed.

Helena leans forward and kisses Myka. "You've made me very happy Myka. I never thought that I would be happy again, but I am."

Myka's eyes fill with tears. She has never forgotten how much pain Helena had been in on that day in Yellowstone. "That's all that I want." Myka hopes that she hasn't made things worse by leading them down this path. But Helena getting support to deal with her grief, that can't be a bad thing. "And for the record, in case you somehow don't know, I'm happy too."

"I am very glad to hear that, love." Helena wraps her arms around Myka's waist and pulling their bodies together.

As Helena presses her lips to Myka's once more all Myka can think is that she can hardly imagine her life being better. But Helena is always full of surprises, and Myka feels certain that any child of Helena's would be as well. Myka closes her eyes and imagines what it would feel like to kiss Helena with a baby bump between them.


	3. Chapter 3

It's the first year since Christina's death that Helena has smiled more than she cried on her daughter's birthday.

Helena sticks her spoon back into the pint of cookie dough ice cream that she and Myka are sharing. There had been a brief discussion of bowls before the women agreed that two spoons would be all they needed to grab before retiring to the living room.

"Christina and I went to the ice cream parlor every year for her birthday. Ice cream was still new and exciting in those days." Helena smiles at the memory of Christina as a toddler, her clothes stained with chocolate ice cream and a huge smile on her face.

Myka loves the way Helena's eyes light up at the memories, and she wraps her arm around Helena's shoulders drawing her closer on the couch.

"On Christina's last birthday," Helena begins, her breath catching in her throat slightly, "we put on our very best clothes. I was never a fan of dresses and corsets."

Myka chuckles. "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Christina loved to dress up though, and I never could resist her when she asked for something, so when she wished to go out in our Sunday best that was exactly what we did."

Myka looks at Helena fondly. Hearing Helena's stories about Christina has shown Myka a new side to the woman she loves.

"We walked through the streets arm in arm with our parasols, and I announced to everyone that we met that it was Christina's birthday. The man at the ice cream parlor was very fond of Christina, and he agreed to decorate the shop for the occasion. I took her there after we had a picnic, and she was so delighted. She was such a happy child."

The sadness overwhelms Helena again as she thinks of who Christina would have grown to be, of the years she never got to live. Myka runs her fingers through Helena's hair.

"She would have loved you," Helena says, wishing that the two most important people in her life could have known each other.

"Like mother like daughter."

"Indeed."

Helena rests her head on Myka's shoulder. "Thank you for taking off work with me today."

Myka rolls her eyes. "You know I wouldn't leave you alone today."

"I still appreciate it."

Myka reaches down and presses a kiss to Helena's hair.

* * *

Helena thinks about it every day after that. She thinks about how she has changed. She thinks about peace, begins to suspect that this is what peace feels like even if she still grieves for Christina every day. She thinks of joy and love and Myka, and most of the time Helena doesn't feel guilty when she smiles. She thinks of being ready.

"Myka," Helena whispers into the darkness of their bedroom about a week after Christina's birthday.

"Hmm?" Myka asks sleepily from where she is sprawled across Helena's chest.

"I think that I'm ready to begin trying for a baby whenever you want."

Myka props herself up on her elbows to look at Helena. "You…you want to have a baby?" Myka asks, shocked by the declaration. It's not that they haven't talked about it over the past few months, but Myka wasn't certain that Helena would ever feel ready.

"Yes darling," Helena says with a smile. She does truly want to do this with Myka. "Unless you've changed your mind."

"No, no!" Myka is grinning like an idiot even as terror settles itself into the pit of her stomach. "You really want us to have a kid together?" Myka asks, still doubting whether she can be a good mother.

"Very much." Helena pulls Myka to her, pressing a kiss to the stunned woman's lips. "I am grateful that you gave me time to be ready. Your patience means a lot to me."

"Of course," Myka whispers. Her pulse pounds in her ears. "We're really going to do this?" she asks. She had never quite processed the fact that this day might come. This day and the ones after it. The days where it would no longer be just Helena and Myka, but Helena and Myka and their child.

"Are you nervous darling?" Helena asks.

"Scared shitless. You?"

Helena nods, but she's smiling still. Her smile growing as she lets it sink in that they are really going to do this.

"I might freak out," Myka warns. "I have no idea what to do with babies, you know that right?"

"I've noticed you reading about a million baby books."

"You knew?" Myka asks, her face falling. "I didn't want you to feel pressured."

"It's ok, Myka. I thought it was adorable."

Myka scrunches up her face at being called  _adorable_. "Ok, so we want a kid. How do we do this?"

Helena loops her arms around Myka's waist. "We talked about IVF. Is that something that you no longer want us to do?"

"No, that's not…it's just, it can't be  _us_. You would have to be the one to carry the baby."

"Would that make you uncomfortable?"

"Of course not," Myka insists, but she can't shake the feeling of jealousy.

"Please don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying…exactly." Myka sighs and looks at Helena, sees no judgment in dark eyes. "It makes me sad that I can't."

Helena places her palm on Myka's cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," Myka assures Helena. "I mean my genes are a little crazy anyway."

Helena refuses to let Myka shrug off her pain with a joke. Helena wraps her arms more tightly around Myka, pulling the younger woman against her chest and simply holding her.

Myka speaks again a few moments later, her face still pressed against Helena. "I'm being stupid."

"You're not!"

"No, I am. We are going to have a beautiful child no matter who carries it."

"Of course we will," Helena says with confidence. "I imagine that any child of ours will be quite exceptional."

Myka laughs softly before asking, "Do you want to carry a child? Because if you don't we can always adopt."

"I do want to," Helena says tentatively. "I'm frightened that it will remind me of Christina, that it will be hard not to think of her when the baby is nameless and faceless inside me."

"We can always name it," Myka says causing Helena to smile. "And ultrasounds exist now, so we'll be able to see the baby."

"I want to do this Myka," Helena says. She knows that the child – no matter how it comes into their lives - might remind her of Christina, might bring up memories that are painful, but she also has come to believe that the good will outweigh the bad.

"I guess it's time to start researching doctors and sperm donors," Myka says, her mind suddenly awash with a million things to do.

"Tomorrow love. You tired me out this evening," Helena says raising an eyebrow at Myka.

"Are you complaining?"

"Never."

"Better not be!" Myka says, snuggling further into Helena's side.

"I love you," Helena whispers against Myka's curls.

"I love you too."

 


	4. Chapter 4

Helena waits a week before she says anything. But she's been regular as clockwork her whole life, and being a week late is something that she simply can't deny.

"Myka," Helena says as her partner leans over her to get her toothbrush. Helena's heart pounds in her chest. She doesn't want to say the words out loud. She is trying so hard not to hope. "I'm late."

"You're…oh my God, Helena!" Myka shrieks, and immediately all thoughts of brushing her teeth are forgotten. Myka pushes Helena out of the way so that she can reach under the sink to pull out three pregnancy tests.

Myka is bouncing on her heels excitedly and pulling the first test from its wrapper. Myka presses the stick into Helena's palm and waits expectantly. Helena stares down at the test in her hand trying to gather her courage before she finally sets herself on the toilet.

"Here, do this one too," Myka says handing Helena another test midstream. Myka considers the other box on the counter and then decides that a third test can't hurt.

Helena silently obliges before getting up to wash her hands. The seconds feel impossibly long and she begins to feel dizzy, wonders if she is hyperventilating. She sits down on the closed toilet seat, and before long Myka has settled herself on the lip of the bathtub next to Helena, placing the three tests at her side.

Helena looks over at Myka and sees clearly that her partner is anxious too. Helena reaches out and takes Myka's hand, and together they wait out the painfully long seconds to tick by.

Myka glances down at her watch. "It's time. Are you ready?"

 _No,_  Helena's mind screams. She nods.

Myka picks up the tests and then a second later a shriek of joy fills the bathroom. "You're pregnant!" she screams as her arms wrap around Helena. "We're going to have a baby!" Myka can hardly believe it. She had convinced herself not to get her hopes up; most people go through several rounds of insemination before conceiving.

Myka feels like she's floating in some surreal world. After months of planning and hormone injections and anxious waiting she can hardly believe that this is real. But something is wrong, because Helena hasn't said a word and she is barely returning Myka's embrace.

Myka pulls back to look at her partner. "Helena?"

Helena tries to smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes and the attempt does nothing to fool Myka whose stomach instantly plummets at the expression on Helena's face.

"Are you upset?" Myka asks, wondering what she will do if Helena has changed her mind. Helena had finally begun to chip away at Myka's fears and doubts and convince her that she could be a good mother. Myka had only grown more and more excited with each passing day, and the two weeks since their first attempt at conceiving had found Myka joyful at the possibility that Helena could be pregnant.

Helena looks stricken, and Myka decides that she needs to put aside her own desires and take care of Helena now. "Do you wish that it hadn't worked?"

"Oh Myka, never! I could never wish for that." Her hand flies reflexively to her abdomen.

"I'm afraid," Helena whispers looking pleadingly at Myka, hoping that she is able to understand. "The chance of miscarriage is so high, and I don't want to love it yet."

But Myka knows from the way Helena says these words that she already loves their child desperately.

"I can't Myka," Helena whispers as her eyes fill with tears.

"Ok," Myka says with a nod as she takes Helena's hands in hers. "We don't have to celebrate yet or tell people if you don't want to."

Helena doesn't want to tell anyone, doesn't want to have to acknowledge that she's pregnant, but she won't force that on Myka. "No, it's ok love. You should tell whomever you want. I know that Pete will be asking you any day now."

"Oh he already started a few days ago."

"It's good to know that Pete is aware of my cycles."

"He's pretty much counting the days until he can be cool uncle Pete and get our kid into trouble." Myka looks up at Helena, at the anxiety and fear still clear on her face. "I'm sorry. We really don't need to think that far ahead. We can just…I don't know, have breakfast?"

Helena watches Myka hide her excitement away, willing to do whatever Helena needs. "Let's go out for breakfast and celebrate," Helena says smiling at the woman that she loves so much and trying not to let the fear consume her.

"We don't have to do that."

"No, we should celebrate." Helena smiles and tries to prepare herself for what it means to embrace this pregnancy. "I can't be waiting for something terrible to happen. I don't want to do that to our child."

"You know the baby's pretty small right now. No ears or anything. So it won't notice if you need a little time to process things."

Helena squeezes Myka's hand. "Lying to myself won't make it hurt less if we lose this baby," Helena admits, as much to herself as to Myka. "I am going to try not to let how scared I am consume me, but if I do – if I appear to be on my way to becoming one of those awful, overprotective parents – you have permission to yell at me until I snap out of it."

Myka chuckles deeply and a grin is back on her face, but now she does nothing to hide it. "I love you  _so_  much," she says before pulling Helena to her for a kiss.

When Myka pulls back and looks at Helena, she can hardly contain all the love that she feels. "We're going to figure everything out," Myka says confidently. Even though Helena is afraid, Myka knows that her partner is a good mother, that she will know what to do once their baby is placed in her arms. And Myka is certainly counting on that since she feels utterly clueless. "You're not alone this time," Myka reminds Helena and wonders how she did this by herself with Christina.

"Thank you Myka, and thank you for this" Helena whispers placing her hands on her abdomen.

"You know I didn't get you pregnant right?"

"Thank you," Helena says again, "for our child." It hurts still to let this feel real, because Helena is so afraid of losing the pregnancy. And she is so afraid of what that will do to her. She's not alone anymore, and she needs to be strong for Myka. But Helena doesn't know how she would get through a loss and still be able to be the partner that Myka needs.

 _Our child_ , Helena tells Myka.  _Our child._  Even though it didn't come from Myka's body, even though she could read every parenting book published and still have no idea how to be a mother. Helena trusts Myka to be her child's mother, and that feels overwhelming.

Myka doesn't realize that she's crying until Helena is wiping tears from her cheeks and smiling at her.

"I love you darling. I truly couldn't be happier," Helena says.

"Me too. We should get you breakfast. You and the baby need food."

Helena smiles, imagining what nine months of Myka fussing over her will be like.

"What do you want?" Myka asks. "Eggs? You should have protein."

"Actually, there's something else that I'm hungry for," Helena says with an exaggerated wiggle of her eyebrow.

"You did  _not_ just say that. Worst pickup line of all time."

"Will you indulge me anyway?"

"What would the world think if they knew that HG Wells used lines like that?" Myka teases before her lips are covered by Helena's and she is being dragged from her perch on the edge of the bathtub.

"I thought this wasn't supposed to happen until the second trimester," Myka says as Helena pushes her down on the bed.

"I will try my best not to disappoint you then. Right now I am merely keeping up the status quo."

"Is that right?"

"Yes it is. Now please be quiet darling. I want to make love to the mother of my baby."

 


	5. Chapter 5

"You need to calm down," Helena insists as she takes Myka's hand. Myka fidgets in the seat besides Helena and continues staring out the airplane window. Helena moves Myka's hand to rest on her now prominent baby bump. She had started showing earlier than with Christina, and now at five and a half months there is no hiding that she's pregnant.

Myka's mind quiets as she feels the soft flutters of her child moving. "Do you think that she's enjoying her first plane trip?" Myka asks as she turns to Helena.

"I imagine so. She's curious, just like her mama."

"And her mum," Myka adds, the British term still funny to her ears.

"Hey there Lizzie," Myka whispers leaning over to talk to Helena's stomach. They had settled quickly on the name Elizabeth after finding out that they were having a girl. The real question was whether to call her Lizzie, Liz, or Beth. For now they were alternating.

Helena weaves her hand into Myka's hair. "It's going to be ok darling."

Myka sits back up but keeps her hand resting on Helena's abdomen. "You didn't hear them on the phone Helena. They kept calling Lizzie  _Helena's baby_  like I had nothing to do with her."

"I'm so sorry my love."

"It's not your fault."

"I know," Helena says sadly. "But I wish I could make it better anyway."

"You do. You and Liz make everything better."

* * *

Warren Bering chooses denial. He simply refuses to acknowledge that Helena is pregnant through the entire drive from the airport to his home.

Warren dutifully carries Helena and Myka's bags into the living room before grunting at Jeannie, "Get them some food," and beginning to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Myka asks her father.

"I need to sort some new inventory."

"We just got here. Can't it wait?" Myka asks.

"Yes Warren," Jeannie agrees. "The girls have just arrived. Come sit down with us."

Warren reluctantly sits down her the couch besides his wife.

"How was your flight?" Jeannie asks.

"It was fine," Myka says as she tries to push the anger out of her voice.

"It's lovely that you were able to take off work and join us for Thanksgiving," Jeannie says. Right now Myka is regretting that decision. She could be home in Univille, surrounded by people who love her and accept her. "How's work?"

"Work is fine," Myka says through gritted teeth. When she feels Helena's hand come to rest comfortingly on the small of her back though, Myka decides that she doesn't want to simply ignore her parents' behavior. Helena deserves more than that. Her child deserves more. "The baby's doing great by the way. We decided on a name." Myka refuses to let her parents dampen her joy about her daughter. "Elizabeth."

"After my mother?" Warren asks.

"I wanted to honor Grandma, and Helena loved the idea and the name. So yes, we are naming her Elizabeth."

Warren nods but continues to look displeased at the decision. Helena can barely contain her anger at Myka's parents, but she bites it back, announcing cheerfully, "We have pictures from the ultrasound. Such incredible technology!" she adds, making Myka smile. Helena has taken a great deal of joy in being pregnant in modern times.

Jeannie smiles at the idea of seeing ultrasound photos. "I would love to see them," she says a little timidly. Helena reaches into her purse and pulls out the photos. She extends them towards Myka so that she can show her mother, but Myka just shakes her head. So Helena, all charm and charisma, sits down by Jeannie's side with a smile.

Jeannie takes the pictures from Helena and she simply can't contain her delight at seeing the black and white images. Jeannie squeals in delight. "She is so beautiful."

"Yes she is," Helena agrees. She never tires of looking at the pictures of her child. "Your granddaughter is quite photogenic already."

"Can I ask you something?" Jeannie says as she hands the pictures back to Helena.

"Of course."

"How did you and Myka decide that you would be the one to have a baby?"

"Mom!" Myka doesn't want to get into this. Her parents don't know about the cancer, and it is none of their business how Myka and Helena bring their child into the world.

"Why can't I ask Helena a simple question?"

"Why does it even matter?" Myka asks. "We're both women, so we had to choose one of us to be pregnant."

Warren decides to jump in on the conversation and asks, "Did you flip a coin?"

Helena watches Myka's eyes fill with tears. Helena tries her best to put a stop to the conversation by saying, "I wanted to carry the baby, and Myka was all right with that."

Myka looks at Helena gratefully when no one presses the issue further.

"Right then," Warren says, breaking the tension in the room a moment later. "Jeannie, get them something to eat."

"Silly me," Jeannie chides herself. "I should have offered sooner. You and the baby need to eat."

Helena cringes at the dynamic between Myka's parents. Jeannie reminds her so much of the insufferable Victorian women who were constantly at their husband's beck and call. "I'm not hungry, thank you. Your daughter makes certain to keep me well fed." Helena and Myka share a warm smile at Myka's overprotectiveness.

"And what about you?" Warren asks Myka.

"I'm not hungry."

"You're too skinny."

"Dad," Myka warns. She wonders why he insists on going there every time she visits. She wants to believe that he is simply concerned, but it feels so much more like trying to cut her legs out from under her, trying to once again make her feel like she isn't good enough.

"Are you developing a problem again? Because you're a grown woman and –" Myka doesn't hear the end of her father's sentence, because she is running from the room. She is so damn angry right now, and if she stays in the room with her father she will start screaming.

Helena catches up with Myka a moment later in the back of the closed bookstore. Helena stands silently besides her partner who has her arms wrapped around herself and is staring at the floor.

"I had an eating disorder in high school," Myka whispers wondering why she still feels so terribly embarrassed all these years later. She can't bring herself to look Helena in the eyes. "It was almost 20 years ago, and he still reminds me of it every time I visit."

Helena moves closer, until there are mere centimeters between her face and Myka's. "You should be proud of yourself for overcoming that." Myka laughs at the statement as though it is absurd. "I'm proud of you," Helena continues. It hurts to watch her normally self-confident partner doubt herself.

Myka looks up then and is greeted by kind, caring eyes. "Every time I come here they make me feel like I'll never be good enough. I'm a 34 year old woman, and I still let them make me feel like a stupid insecure child."

"Parents have a way of doing that. But you Myka Bering are more than good enough, you are perfect." Myka rolls her eyes. "You are a beautiful, brilliant, kind woman. You are everything that I need and everything that our daughter needs."

Myka shakes her head, but she can't help but feel better, can't help but believe Helena. "Writer."

"It's all true. I love you so much Myka."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Come lie down with me," Myka whines as Helena continues to pour through Myka's bookshelf.

"Sorry love. It isn't every day that I have access to your childhood bedroom."

"You also have access to  _me_!"

Helena smiles fondly at Myka who wrapped cozily in a flowered comforter that she used when she was small.

Helena takes a book from the shelf and makes her way over to the bed. Myka pulls back the covers and Helena slides in and wraps her arms around Myka. "I apologize for keeping you waiting. How can I make it up to you?"

Myka snuggles further into Helena's chest before asking, "What book did you pick?"

" _The Phantom Tollbooth._  I thought that perhaps we should expose Lizzie to some children's literature after so much James Joyce."

Myka takes the book from Helena's hands. "This was one of my favorites as a kid." Myka had begun reading to the baby only a few days after they had found out that Helena was pregnant, and bedtime stories had fast become a nightly routine. Helena insisted that the selections be modern as she had a century of literature to catch up on.

"I can't wait to hear it," Helena says as her hands caress Myka's back in an attempt to help her partner relax. "Are you ok darling?" Helena asks because Myka has offered up little about what she's feeling since they said goodnight to her parents following a tense dinner.

"It's just been a long day."

Helena presses a kiss to Myka's hair. "Do you want me to give you a massage?"

Myka shakes her head. "I just want to stay right here." This is the first time since her father met them at the airport that Myka feels like she doesn't need to put on a show. Here she can finally let her guard down.

Helena squeezes her arms tighter around Myka.

Myka lets the feeling of safety wash over her. She rests a hand on Helena's stomach and tries to let go of the renewed fear that she won't be a good mother. "Hey there Liz," she whispers when she feels a hint of movement against her hand. "Your mum and I love you so much," Myka continues, moving down so that her lips are pressed against the bump. Myka already loves her daughter so much and she can't imagine attaching any conditions to that. She wonders why her parents never seem to love her that way.

Helena brings her hand to rest besides Myka's on her stomach. "You are a very lucky girl Elizabeth. We are both so very lucky to have your mama."

Saying the words out loud reminds Helena of how close she came to losing Myka. Her throat suddently feels thick with tears, and she sniffles softly as she looks down at Myka, healthy and alive and so beautiful.

"I'm right here," Myka reassures Helena when she looks up at glistening eyes.

Helena nods and manages a small smile. Myka's heart aches as it does every time that Helena becomes overwhelmed by the thought of losing her. The dreams come to Helena less frequently these days, but there are still nights when she wakes up sobbing from the vivid images in her head of holding Myka's dead body.

Myka presses a kiss to Helena's stomach before moving back up Helena's body so that they are face to face. "I'm here."

"I'm sorry. I'm being foolish."

Myka wishes that Helena's fears were foolish, but Myka worries too about a recurrence, about not being able to watch her daughter grow up. Myka can't let her mind wander down this path. "Is it time for our bedtime story?" she asks.

Helena nods, glad for the offer of a distraction. Myka picks up the book and begins to read aloud. Helena watches Myka talk to their child and wonders how it is possible to love someone more each day.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Myka finds Helena on the window seat in the newly painted nursery, her hands rubbing soothingly on her eight months pregnant stomach as she hums softly. Myka smiles at the sight before her. Helena looks so beautiful pregnant, perfectly curved, her face slightly fuller, softer. Her cheeks are flushed in the soft light of the nursery.

"Did Lizzie wake you up again?" Myka asks.

Helena smiles at her partner and nods. Myka sits besides Helena, settling the pregnant woman's legs over her lap. Myka brings her hand to rest by where the baby is kicking insistently at Helena's ribs. "You need to let your mummy rest little one."

"She's just anxious to start exploring the world, aren't you?"

Myka and Helena share a smile at the thought of finally holding their daughter.

Helena stares at Myka, soaks up the love and warmth being offered. The last eight months have brought Helena surprising peace. She had expected it to hurt to carry a child again, had expected for it to feel like betraying Christina. Instead Helena had found herself falling in love with the new life growing inside her, a child that already seemed to have a personality all her own. And though Helena ached for Christina's absence every day, she had been able to allow herself to love Lizzie fully and completely, just as she continued to love Christina.

"For a long time it felt so cruel to be alive," Helena whispers into the night.

"Helena," Myka gasps horrified by the admission.

"Why should I have been able to be saved by the very same means with which I had failed to save Christina?"

"I don't know," Myka whispers, pushing a strand of hair from Helena's face. "But I will never stop being grateful that you were."

Helena smiles a little and although her words speak of a lifetime of pain she appears almost peaceful to Myka.

"I know," Helena says. She still wonders sometimes how it's possible that she is the person that completes Myka, but Helena no longer doubts that or wonders if she will hurt Myka. "It means the world to me that I can make you happy."

"You make me so happy."

"As much as I was struggling with accepting that Artie had brought me back, when I come home from Wisconsin I felt for the first time since being bronzed that I had a real reason to be alive. If I was able to help you and make you happy then that was all that mattered."

Myka can't hold back the tears at the painful and honest admission. She wants to yell at Helena that she deserves to be alive, to feel joy and experience the beauty that the world has to offer. She wants to yell and scream and make Helena believe that she is worth something beyond what she can give to other people. But Myka understands that Helena's guilt can't be soothed away with words and pleas, no matter how many times Myka offers them.

Myka leans forward to kiss Helena softly, tries to accept the pain rather than fix it.

"I may never understand why the universe saw fit to let me live," Helena says when she and Myka move apart, "but I have been thinking how very grateful I am. We are about to bring a miracle into the world, and I could never regret being able to do that."

Myka presses her lips to Helena's again, utterly unable to find words to express her gratitude and love.

Helena pulls Myka against her side, cradling her partner as best she can given her heavily pregnant body. Helena presses a kiss to Myka's curls and wonders at the happiness that life has brought her. "It seems that having both of her mothers here has settled Lizzie."

"Then we should get you back to bed before she starts making trouble again." Myka stands and helps Helena to her feet. "Can you believe that in a month there's going to be a baby in that crib?"

"Come along Mama, we better enjoy our sleep while we can."


	7. Chapter 7

"What have you two done?!" Artie asks when into his office to find Helena and Claudia standing over his disassembled computer.

"Relax gramps," Claudia tells him. "Your new and improved work station will be ready for you by the end of the day."

"It was fine before you touched it."

"Aww, isn't that cute?" Claudia asks Helena. "New technology still scares him."

"It doesn't scare me!"

"I think it does," Claudia teases. Helena ignores the bickering and returns to her task. "Come on Artie. Don't be such an old fuddy-duddy. HG has 100 years on you, and she's a computer wiz."

"What she should be is on maternity leave."

"I am perfectly capable of sitting at a desk while pregnant."

"Your due date was two days," Artie reminds Helena.

"It seems that Elizabeth won't be taking after Myka when it comes to always being early."

"What's that?" Myka asks as she walks in and hears her name.

"Oh thank god," Artie says. "Please get her out of here."

"What did she do now?" Myka teases as she comes to stand by Helena's side, an arm wrapping around her pregnant partner.

"Artie is feeling rather ungrateful for the fact that Claudia and I spent the last several hours improving his computer." Helena kisses Myka softly. "How was your day?"

"Snagged, bagged, and tagged. I am ready to take the mother of my child home."

"Aww, you two are so adorable," Claudia comments. "Get out of here HG. I can finish up without you."

"Are you sure darling?"

"Yeah. Go home. I'll handle Artie."

Myka smiles at the redhead. "Thanks Claud."

"Good night," Artie says, placing a warm hand on Helena's back as she and Myka make their way to the door. He would never admit it, but he has grown very fond of Helena in these last few months while she has been on desk duty.

"See you tomorrow," Helena tells him with a smile.

* * *

The pain wakes Helena in the middle of the night. For a moment she is unsure, but then another contraction hits and she remembers this feeling so well. She closes her eyes and can see her room in the house she shared with Charles, can see herself at 21, alone and frightened and waiting for the midwife to come.

"Myka," Helena says, shaking her lover's shoulder.

"Mmmm." Myka snuggles further into her pillow.

"Myka, my love."

"What?" Myka mutters, her eyes still closed.

Helena feels the love surge in her breast at the sight of Myka curled up in bed. Helena closes her eyes and imagines an infant cuddled between herself and Myka. "Can you wake up please? I'm in labor."

And then Myka is wide-awake. "Oh my God! You're in labor! Oh my God, Helena!"

Myka is up and running frantically around the room an instant later.

"Calm down darling. I suspect we will have ample time to get to the hospital."

* * *

This suspicion proves incorrect however, and by the time Helena is in a hospital bed being examined a half hour later she is already 6 centimeters dilated.

Helena is progressing too quickly for an epidural to be placed, and so the pain rips through her. In a way it's a comfort to know that some experiences don't change, that despite the passage of time and the changing of the world, that childbirth remains an experience of extremes. Helena remembers the blinding pain of laboring with Christina, but that experience faded against the unimaginable love and devotion and wonder that Helena felt when her daughter had been placed in her arms.

"What can I do?" Myka asks when Helena screams as a contraction hits. Myka feels so helpless at the sight of her partner like this.

Helena takes a deep breath as the pain subsides. "Come sit down with me please."

Myka ceases her pacing and sits on the bed. Helena reaches out and grasps Myka's hand, comforted that the woman she loves is here to see her through this.

"I'll be all right," Helena says, seeing the worry on Myka's face. Helena forgets that women these days are not intimately familiar with birth, and that it must be frightening for Myka to see Helena like this. "And soon we will be able to hold our little girl."

"I love you so much."

"I love you."

Myka's face lights up with joy at the thought of meeting Elizabeth, and Helena marvels at the fact that this time she won't be the only one to be overwhelmed by love for her child.

* * *

"She's incredible," Myka whispers unable to stop staring at the baby lying on her chest.

Helena is cuddled against Myka's side, her hand caressing the soft hair on Lizzie's head. Helena nods against her partner's shoulder, completely unable to find words for how much she already loves their daughter. Myka manages to pull her eyes away from Lizzie to look at Helena. Myka knows that it's a cliché, but she swears that Helena has never been more beautiful.

Lizzie begins crying softly, and Myka rocks her. "Shh, shh, shh."

"What's all this fussing for?" Helena asks Lizzie, before looking up at Myka. "Shall we see if she's hungry?"

"Oh, yeah right." Myka gently transfers the baby into Helena's arms and moves back.

"Come here," Helena tells Myka as she positions Lizzie in her arms. Helena sits forward so that Myka can slip her body behind Helena's.

Helena pulls Myka's hands to rest on Lizzie's back so that they can cradle the baby together as she tries to nurse for the first time. Myka loves Helena so much for trying to share this with her. Myka presses her lips to Helena's neck in a grateful kiss as Helena coaxes their little girl to begin sucking. Myka has read about breastfeeding and sucking and rooting reflexes, but there had been nothing to prepare her for the awe at seeing her baby feeding. And there is nothing to prepare Myka for how amazing it is to watch Helena staring down at the baby she's nursing with such love and hope and joy.

Helena feels Myka's tears against her neck."Are you all right?"

"Yeah, it's just amazing," Myka replies, pushing any melancholy longing from her mind. "She figured it out so quickly. I read that some babies take a long time to learn to nurse properly."

"Our girl is quite clever."

"Of course she is," Myka agrees. "She's a Bering-Wells."


	8. Chapter 8

"Come here my love," Helena coos as she reaches in to Lizzie's crib and picks up the crying baby. Helena cradles Lizzie tightly in her arms and sways back and forth. "What's wrong darling?" she asks, the cries already softening. "You just wanted your Mummy, is that it?" Lizzie stares up at Helena, who smiles back at her child in awe. "Shall we rock for a bit?" Helena asks, settling herself in the rocking chair besides the crib.

Helena rocks slowly as Lizzie stares into her mother's eyes. "I love you so much Elizabeth," Helena whispers. "So very much." Lizzie reaches her hand up in the air, and Helena offers her pinky for the baby to grasp.

Lizzie tugs her mother's finger to her mouth making Helena smile. "Your sister was fond of sucking on my finger as well. I do hope that you will cry less than she did when I try to reclaim my hand."

"You are perfect my darling," Helena says, because even though she knows her daughter is far too small to understand the conversation, Helena never wants Elizabeth to feel that she is simply a replacement for Christina or that Helena would ever wish to trade one daughter for the other. "You are my perfect, amazing little baby, and I will always love you."

Lizzie's eyes drift shut. Helena remains in the rocking chair until she is certain that Lizzie won't wake before placing her daughter in her crib and returning to bed.

* * *

Helena wakes up to the sound of Lizzie crying. Helena reaches automatically for the baby monitor, intending to silence it in case Myka is still asleep. But then Helena realizes that the sound isn't coming from the monitor; Myka is standing next to Helena holding a hysterical Lizzie in her arms.

"I'm sorry," Myka says and in the moonlight Helena thinks she can see the tear tracks on her partner's cheeks. "I can't get her to stop crying. I don't know what to do."

Helena turns the light on and confirms her suspicion that Myka is in fact crying right along with their baby. "How long has she been awake?" Helena asks.

"Almost an hour. Her diaper's dry. She didn't want a bottle. She doesn't have a fever."

Helena stands up, running her hands along Myka's wet cheeks. "You should have woken me sooner."

"I thought I could deal with it myself," Myka says, overwhelmed by frustration. She wants to be better at this, hates that even after a week home with Elizabeth, Myka still needs Helena to step in and take care of their baby.

"It isn't a matter of whether you can take care of Lizzie. Of course you can. There simply isn't any reason for you to be alone and upset."

"I wanted to let you sleep," Myka says, tears lacing her voice.

Lizzie is still screaming loudly, and Helena decides that this is a conversation better had after they calm Lizzie and get a few more hours of sleep. "Thank you darling. Do you want me to take her and let you sleep?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. An hour of crying is more than enough. It's my turn."

Myka passes Lizzie to Helena who settles the baby on her shoulder, her hand immediately beginning to rub circles on Lizzie's back.

"Thank you," Myka mutters.

Helena kisses Myka softly before carrying their crying child out of the room. Myka gets back into bed, curls up with her pillow, and cries.

* * *

Helena wakes up the next morning to find that she is alone in bed. The room is bright, and so Helena knows that she slept far later than normal. She peeks at the alarm clock, a little horrified to find that it is after 10 o'clock.

The night had been long. It had taken Helena an hour and a half to get Lizzie back to sleep, and she had spent a long while after that dozing off and on in the nursery with Lizzie in her arms, too afraid that if she moved her child would wake up and begin crying again.

Helena pulls her still exhausted body from bed and goes in search of Myka and Lizzie. Helena finds them on the porch, Lizzie drinking a bottle contentedly in her mama's arms, appearing to have woken up in a much better mood than she had been in last night. Helena watches quietly from the doorway for a moment - glad that Myka seems to have regained her confidence with their little girl – before Myka spots her.

"Good morning," Myka says with a smile. She's still wearing her flannel pajamas and enjoying the unseasonably warm March day.

"Good morning," Helena says as she sits down on the bench swing besides Myka. "How are my favorite ladies this morning?"

"Lizzie seems fine today. Barely a tear out of her."

"Well I should hope not. At the rate she was going last night, if she cried much more I'd be afraid she would dehydrate," Helena jokes.

"So she didn't settle right down for you?" Myka asks, hating that she sounds so eager to know that Lizzie's crying hadn't simply reflected Myka's failings as a mother.

"I don't have magical powers."

"I'm not so sure. You always know how to soothe her and just what she needs. I'm still getting the hang of things like how to hold her and swaddle her correctly."

"Contrary to popular belief, mothers do not magically know these things Myka. I have the benefit of practice. Apparently even after a century, one doesn't forget how to swaddle a baby or change a nappy."

"You're just so good with her, and I wish I could be too." Myka feels ridiculous saying this, and normally she wouldn't utter the words, but sleep depravation has a way of loosening her lips.

"You may feel uncertain Myka, but I can assure you that you are doing a brilliant job with Lizzie." Helena reaches out and cups her partner's cheek. "You are an amazing mother." Myka doesn't feel like it, and she knows, of course, that Helena can see that fear written all over her face. "Things aren't going to be perfect, but you love Lizzie and you're keeping her safe and taking care of her. And she knows all those things. Look at her. She trusts you. I trust you. Now you just need to trust yourself."

* * *

"Sorry," Myka says when she walks into her bedroom after disappearing for 20 minutes. "I went to brush my teeth and then I got distracted by staring at Lizzie."

"She's a hazard," Helena replies, looking up at Myka and smiling. After nearly two weeks home with their baby, Myka is still unsure and nervous sometimes, but Helena adores watching her partner fall more and more in love with their child each day.

"What are you doing?" Myka asks, noticing the locket and photograph in Helena's hands.

"I love this photo," Helena says indicating the image of Myka holding Lizzie on the day that they brought her home, "and I want to have my whole family close to my heart."

Myka feels tears well up in her eyes as she watches Helena slide the picture into the locket across from Christina's photograph. Myka sits down on the bed besides Helena, and for a moment they stare at the pictures together. Helena looks over at Myka with a smile full of love and gratitude, and Myka can't keep the tears from running down her cheeks, overwhelmed by her wife's strength and capacity for love.

Myka takes the locket from Helena's hands, loves Helena so much for finding a way to make room in her heart for Myka and their child, for allowing them all this chance at happiness. Helena lifts her hair so that Myka can clasp the locket around her neck.

"Thank you," Helena whispers, and for a moment they simply stare at each other, at the future neither of them had ever imagined.

Myka leans forward to kiss Helena, wanting to show her how much she cherishes her. "Thank  _you_."

Helena shakes her head and presses her lips to her partner's again, pushing Myka back against the pillows and snaking her hands up Myka's shirt.

Myka pulls away. "You don't need to." She knows that Helena's body isn't ready for sex yet, and Myka is happy to wait as well.

"Please let me," Helena whispers as her lips move to Myka's neck. Helena looks back up at Myka's uncertain face. "I want to show you how much I love you."

"I always know," Myka replies with a smile.

"Let me show you anyway."

 


	9. Chapter 9

It's Helena's turn to read tonight. The already worn copy of  _Goodnight Moon_  sits in her lap, a few teeth marks and water damage at the corners where Lizzie had decided that the book was perfect for teething.

Myka listens to the soft sound of Helena's voice; it is a sound that has soothed Myka through cancer treatments, through calls to her family that have left her in tears, and through worries that she wasn't a good mother.

_In the great green room_ _  
_ _there was a telephone_ _  
_ _And a red balloon_ _  
_ _And a picture of the cow jumping over the moon._

"Can you show me the cow?" Helena asks Lizzie, who is perched eagerly on Myka's lap.

Lizzie points at the cow and babbles. At 12 months she has only managed a few real words, but she understands more and more each day.

"Good job!" Helena exclaims. "That's our brilliant girl," she coos at Lizzie who smiles and squeals in reply.

_And there were three little bears sitting on chairs_

"Do you want to count them?" Myka asks. "One," she points at the first bear. Lizzie's tiny fingers move to the next bear. "Two," Myka tells her. "And three."

_And two little kittens and a pair of mittens_

Helena knows the words by heart now. She and Myka have read the story so many times that Helena has begun to wonder when  _Goodnight Moon_ will start appearing in her dreams. But it's Lizzie's favorite, and each reading of the story rewards Helena and Myka with delighted smiles and coos and claps.

Lizzie smiles up at Helena, waiting anxiously for her mummy to turn the page. That smile melts Helena, leaves her so full of joy and love that she can hardly remember what it felt like when rage held her heart.

Lizzie bangs her hands impatiently on the book, and Helena and Myka share an amused smile. Helena can barely tear her eyes from her two girls with their matching smiles and their warm eyes staring at her with love and contentment. Helena soaks it in for another moment – the incredible feeling that she brings her family happiness – before turning the page.

* * *

_Good night, stars. Good night, air._ _  
_ _Good night, noises everywhere._

Helena finishes, her voice lilting softly and soothingly. Myka can feel Lizzie beginning to give in to exhaustion, her tiny body relaxing in Myka's arm.

"And goodnight Mama," Helena says, and Lizzie turns to Myka, who peppers the baby's face with light kisses.

"And goodnight Mum," Myka says just like she does every night. Helena reaches out and takes Lizzie from Myka's arms, hugging the baby tightly and pressing her lips against soft hair.

Helena stands and carries Lizzie to her crib. "Goodnight Lizzie," Helena and Myka say together, each kissing one of their daughter's cheeks before placing her in her crib.

* * *

"I forgot; I need more earl grey," Helena tells Myka as they make their way down the cereal aisle.

"Didn't I buy you three boxes last time I went shopping?"

"That was last week."

Myka shakes her head fondly at Helena, who gives her a quick peck on the lips before disappearing towards the tea aisle.

"I wonder if you are going to develop your mum's love of tea," Myka muses to Lizzie, who is sitting in the shopping cart, happily clutching Teddy, her favorite stuffed animal, and looking up at Myka with big brown eyes. "I better start checking your sippy cups to see if she's slipping you anything."

Myka picks up her shopping list. "Let's see, what do we need in this aisle? Cheerios for you and granola for me."

"Your daughter is absolutely precious," an old woman coos, walking over to take a closer look at Lizzie. "What's her name?"

"Lizzie," Myka replies, and Lizzie perks up at the mention of her name. "Yes, we are talking about you," Myka tells her daughter, still impressed by how the baby seems to constantly be engaged with figuring out the world around her.

"Hi there Lizzie. Aren't you a beautiful little girl?" the woman asks warmly in a way that makes Myka wish that her daughter had a grandmother that she had regular contact with.

Helena returns to Myka's side with four boxes of tea in her hands. "I got some of that awful fruity tea you enjoy as well," Helena informs her partner before tossing the boxes in the cart. Myka rolls her eyes making Helena grin, her hand coming to rest on the small of Myka's back.

Myka watches as recognition flashes over the woman's face, and she shakes her head in disapproval. Myka hates that her daughter will have to grow up surrounded by people who tell her that her mothers' love is wrong.

"Mum!" Lizzie exclaims, reaching out towards Helena insistently.

"Hello my love," Helena says, picking Lizzie up and settling the little girl on her hip.

The woman has the nerve to continue standing there and glaring.

"Is there a problem?" Helena asks.

The woman walks away, clucking her tongue in disapproval.

"We don't pay any mind to old bats like that, do we Lizzie?" Helena says, kissing her daughter's temple.

It makes Myka envious how easily Helena shrugs off the comments and stares. Myka remembers that Helena has never cared much for society's approval. She raised Christina alone at a time when being an unmarried woman with a child was supposed to be shameful.

Myka hates the fact that her daughter lives in a place where people frown on her family. Recently she has begun to think more and more about moving away from North Dakota. While it has become her home, she wonders whether Lizzie would be better off in a place where people were more accepting of her family.

Helena notices Myka's upset, and so she reaches forward and captures Myka's lips in a kiss. It's soft and comforting, and for a moment Myka forgets everything besides the fact that she is kissing Helena. But then she pulls back and notices that a few other shoppers are staring at them.

Myka wishes that it didn't bother her. She wishes that it were as easy for her to simply not care what anyone thinks as it is for Helena. But then Myka catches Helena's eyes gleaming at her mischievously, and Myka knows exactly what her partner wants to do. Myka leans forward and kisses Helena passionately, giving the people around them a real show. Myka hears a few whispers and gasps, and she can no longer contain her giggles.

Helena and Myka are hysterical a moment later, pressed against each other and laughing at how ridiculous the people around them are being. Lizzie laughs too, understanding nothing but the fact that her mothers are smiling and laughing like fools.

"Now we're beginning to make a scene, darling," Helena says, laughing so hard that she's crying at the looks on shoppers' faces.

"Only now, huh?" Myka asks, smiling at Helena.

"Let's finish our shopping so we can get Lizzie ready for her date with Grandpa Artie and her mummies can have their date."

"Can I at least get a hint about what you have planned for tonight?"

"I'm afraid not, my love."

* * *

Helena can feel Myka shivering against her as they stare up at the night sky. "I told you that more clothes would be necessary."

"I'm not cold," Myka insists.

Helena doesn't argue, simply unbuttons her large coat, pulls Myka against her chest and wraps the coat around both of them.

Myka sighs contentedly. She never used to like snuggling; Sam had always teased her about being the guy in their relationship because she hated snuggling after sex. But with Helena, she craves this kind of intimacy, needs it to find balance after a long day at work or if her mind if too full of worries. It scared Myka at first the way Helena would wrap her arms around her; it made Myka feel so small and breakable. But Helena had persisted, had cradled Myka to her during each spell of nausea or pain or despair, had held her through a year of cancer treatments. And when the treatments were done, Helena had held Myka still.

"Do you remember the first night we looked at the stars together?" Helena asks.

Myka's face lights up. It had been a few weeks after Helena was reinstated as a warehouse agent, before Yellowstone, before the Janus coin, when Myka still could hardly believe that the beautiful, brilliant woman she had become friends with was actually H.G. Wells. Myka never forgot that night when she and Helena had lain on the grass outside the bed and breakfast staring at the stars and talking. Myka had felt more understood and more comfortable in her own skin than she ever had before. "Of course I do," Myka replies, surprised that Helena too seems to have found deep meaning in that night so long ago.

"I loved to stare at the sky as a child, but after that night, I came to associate it with you. I didn't consciously make the connection at first. I merely knew that when I looked up at the sky I felt peaceful. We were in Egypt when I realized," Helena says, her voice growing somber. "I tried so hard to ignore it, because I was desperate to go through with my plan. I didn't want to have any connections to the world."

Myka reaches out for Helena's hand, interweaving their fingers. Myka no longer feels any anger about Helena's betrayal; all Myka can feel is deep sorrow that the woman she loves was ever in such a dark place.

Helena smiles at Myka before continuing. "Even when I was Emily Lake and could remember nothing of my life, I loved to look at the stars. I felt myself drawn to them in the same way I have been drawn to you since the moment that we met."

Myka wonders what has put Helena is such a reflective mood, wonders whether something is wrong. But a smile lingers on Helena's lips, and Myka sees no hint of melancholy.

"I told you once that you shouldn't walk away from your truth. It took me far too long to learn the same lesson, a fact that I will always regret, but eventually I found my way back to you, to my truth and my home."

"Helena, what's going on?"

Helena smiles brightly and reaches into her pocket, removing a ring, and holding it out in front of Myka. "I love you Myka, and I can hardly express how grateful I am every day that you let me into your heart. I spent a century without love or hope or happiness, without ever believing that I could or should have those things again. But you Myka Bering are an amazing woman. You may not have been the person to unbronze me, but you are the person who brought me back to life."

Helena reaches out and wipes a few tears from Myka's cheeks. "I hope that you already know that I plan to spend the rest of my days by your side trying to make you and our daughter as happy as you make me, and so this request is merely a formality. But I hope that it's a formality that you will agree to, because I would very much like the opportunity to stand up in front of our family and promise to love you forever, and I would very much like to call you my wife. Myka Bering, will you marry me?"

Myka stares at Helena in surprise. She's heard Helena rail against the institution of marriage enough times to know that it isn't something that her partner had ever wanted. And that was fine with Myka; she honestly had never imagined herself married either. So much of Myka's life now is the very opposite of what she had imagined for herself, but despite that, her life truly couldn't make her happier.

"I thought that you hated the idea of getting married."

"I've come to realize that my critiques of marriage do not apply to our situation. Marrying you would mean something far different than it would have meant to marry a man in the 1800s."

Myka smiles. "I sure hope so."

"I know that it's unnecessary, and of course, if you would prefer not to be married, I completely understand."

Myka nearly laughs then, because she cannot imagine turning down the beautiful proposal Helena has made. "Of course I want to marry you," Myka replies, sorry that she's made Helena think that she could ever refuse this offer.

Myka kisses Helena, cupping her cold cheeks in her hands. "I love you so much," Myka says, smiling like mad when she pulls back to look at Helena. Myka struggles to reply half as eloquently as Helena had spoken. Myka feels the need to echo Helena's words and make certain that she knows the depths of Myka's love. "You and Lizzie will always be my truth and my home, Helena." Myka looks at Helena with a soft smile. "I would be honored to marry you."

Helena's eyes shine brightly in the moonlight as she reaches for Myka's hand and slips a delicate engagement ring on to her finger.

"It's beautiful," Myka whispers before she finds herself unable to keep from kissing her fiancé again.


	10. Chapter 10

"Helena," Myka protests with a smile on her face. Helena continues kissing Myka's neck, making her moan. "Seriously Helena. We are parked outside the B&B. Anyone could walk outside and see us."

"My love, you do remember that we lived there together for three years, don't you? Everyone has heard far more of you than they ever wanted to."

"I am not  _that_  loud."

Helena kisses Myka's lips. "If you say so. I trust that you'll make this up to me once we put Lizzie to bed."

"You're demanding now that we're engaged."

"I don't believe that too much has changed in the last three hours."

Myka smirks. "We did find a few new surfaces in our house to christen."

"To think that we never made love in the garage before," Helena says, her eyes twinkling.

"I couldn't wait until we made it into the house."

"I noticed."

"You can't blame me after that proposal," Myka says, completely unable to keep from grinning while talking about her engagement.

"Well yes, that was my primary motivation of course."

"Of course," Myka agree, still smiling widely at Helena. "Because you normally have so much trouble getting my pants off."

Helena smiles wickedly. "I am rather skilled at that aren't I?"

"Yes, and always so modest."

"If it will make you feel better, you are welcome to remove my trousers now," Helena teases.

"Come on. Lizzie's waiting for us."

"That isn't fair. You know I can't resist our girl."

"Yeah, I do."

They get out of the car and walk towards the bed and breakfast. Helena intertwines her fingers with Myka's, feeling the cold metal of Myka's ring. It makes Helena smile giddily to know that this woman will always be hers and to know that she will always belong to Myka.

"I love you," Helena whispers reverently into the night air.

Those words still makes Myka feel warm and safe and content. "I love you too," Myka replies, stilling their movements so that she can kiss Helena.

Helena thinks of how grateful she is to have found Myka and how truly happy Myka has made her. She thinks of how tonight has felt so very perfect.

Myka watches as Helena's smile falls and her eyes appear full of pain. Myka understands wordlessly and takes Helena's hands in her hers, pressing their joined hands to her chest and pulling Helena closer. Helena is so blissfully happy, and Myka knows that Helena feels the aching longing for Christina more acutely with such joy. Myka knows that it is still not easy for Helena to accept that she could be so happy when her daughter is dead.

"I'm so sorry that Christina isn't here."

It helps to hear Myka speak of Christina, to acknowledge that she will always a part of Helena's family, of their family, because even if Myka never met Christina she can't help but love any child of Helena's. Helena moves her hands so that they cup Myka's cheeks. Helena smiles softly and nods, knowing that words are absolutely superfluous.

They share another kiss before Helena tells Myka, "Righty-ho, let's go tell everyone our news, Mrs. Bering-Wells."

"Are we going to hyphenate?" Myka asks as Helena slips an arm around her waist.

"I think it would be lovely to have the same name as Lizzie."

"I agree." Myka knows that this is ridiculous, because she and Helena and their daughter are already a family, but somehow the engagement feels like it makes things different. "Thank you for asking Helena. I didn't know that I wanted to get married, but it just feels so right."

"Yes it does." Helena allows the joy to consume her again, allows herself to get lost in the feeling of Myka pressed tight against her side so very thrilled to be Helena's wife.

* * *

"There they are!" Claudia tells Lizzie when Myka and Helena walk into the living room.

"What are you still doing up?!" Myka asks Lizzie in a cheerful voice as she takes her daughter from Claudia's lap.

"Hello love," Helena says pressing a kiss to Lizzie's forehead before turning to Claudia. "I am so sorry our little night owl kept you up."

"Don't worry about it. She hasn't been any trouble. We were just playing with Artie's Farnsworth."

Myka chuckes. "My little inventor."

"She really is crazy smart," Claudia says. "And while I know that Lizzie has two genius moms to teach her everything, I take my job as godmother seriously. And if that means that Lizzie's education comes at the expense of a little drool on Artie's Farnsworth, I can get behind that."

"You are a magnificent godmother," Helena says with a smile at Claudia. "There is no one that I would rather have as a roll model for Lizzie."

"You've got pretty low standards HG," Claudia jokes, but she is just as pleased as ever to be complimented by Helena. Even as Claudia has gotten to know Helena better, she still can't help but continue idolize the author a bit.

"Oh my god!" Claudia exclaims, looking over at where Myka is bouncing a broadly smiling Lizzie on her hip. "What is that?"

"What's what?" Myka asks with feigned ignorance.

Claudia reaches out for Myka's hand. "How could you not tell me?!"

"We were going to," Myka promises.

"This is the first thing you say. Not 'hello,' not 'thanks for baby-sitting.' Next time, try leading with, 'hey guesswhat Claud, we're engaged.'"

"Noted, but I don't think we need to worry about a next time," Myka says looking over at Helena, who is simply standing beside her and smiling.

"Right, well then you can make it up to me by making me a bridesmaid. Now let me hug the brides to be." Claudia grabs the two women in front of her and pulls them into her arms. "Your mommies are getting hitched Liz!" she tells the little girl.

* * *

"Myka wake up."

Myka continues whimpering and thrashing, and Helena reaches over and shakes her partner. Myka's eyes dart around her bedroom disoriented. "It's ok my love," Helena soothes, "It was just a dream."

Myka's hands fly to her head, checking for the once absent curls. Helena puts her hands over Myka's, stilling their frantic movements. "You're fine. It was just a dream, I promise."

Myka can still feel the nausea pressing in on her, still feel pain, still see her daughter clutching at her not understanding why mama couldn't get up and play. And then Myka is rushing from the bed, emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl.

Helena is beside Myka a moment later with a glass of water and a comforting hand on her back. "No," Myka says as memories flood her mind.

Helena instantly realizes her mistake. She helps Myka from the floor wordlessly, feels Myka shaking from the adrenaline leaving her body. Helena remains close while Myka brushes her teeth with shaky hands.

"Shall we have a cup of tea? Or do you want to have a peek at Lizzie?" Helena asks once Myka leaves the bathroom, knowing that watching their daughter is comforting to both of them.

"Can we just get back in bed?"

"Of course."

Helena watches Myka chew at her lip, brows knitted together, concentrating hard on not letting her emotions get the better of her. Helena waits and hopes that Myka will begin talking, but Helena simply waits and waits and watches as Myka slowly tries to rebuild an impassive mask. Helena presses her hand to the back of Myka's neck, knowing that the touch will be enough to make it impossible for Myka to wall everything away from Helena.

"Myka darling. Please talk to me," Helena whispers, pressing her shoulder against Myka's and bringing their faces next to each other.

Myka feels her resolve wavering. "I'm sorry," she whispers as the first tears slip down her cheeks.

Helena presses her lips to tear stained cheeks before asking, "Whatever for?"

The caring and intimacy still startle Myka sometimes even after five years with Helena. Myka can count on one hand the number of times that anyone besides her partner has seen her cry. Myka sucks in a few shaky breaths.

"It's ok," Helena whispers, "Please just talk to me."

Myka knows that hearing about her dream will upset Helena, and that is the very last thing that Myka ever wants to do, but especially on the night that they got engaged. "I'm fine. Let's just go back to sleep and talk in the morning." Helena glares letting Myka know that simply ignoring this isn't going to be an option. Myka knows by now not to argue with a determined Helena. "I was dreaming about the cancer recurring."

It's earlier than usual. The dreams normally start a few weeks before Myka has her oncology appointment, and Helena hates the idea that her partner is already consumed by her anxieties a month and a half before the appointment.

Helena pulls Myka against her chest. "Tell me."

"We really don't need to talk about this tonight," Myka insists.

"I wish you would. I know that you aren't going to be able to sleep if you lie there and think about your dream."

"I was dying," Myka says, hating how much she knows this all will upset Helena. "It was awful. I was weak and in pain, and I couldn't do anything for myself. You were taking care of me," Myka says with a sob. "I was in a diaper and you had to change me. Lizzie couldn't understand anything that was happening, but she knew that I wasn't taking care of her, that I was letting her down. She thought I didn't love her."

"That will never happen Myka. Lizzie could never doubt your love for her. Not for an instant."

"I don't want her to watch me die like that." Myka is crying against Helena's chest, clutching at Helena who is running soothing fingers through Myka's hair. "I don't want to suffer," Myka acknowledges feeling selfish for doing so.

"It was just a dream my love. You're ok."

"What if I'm not?"

Helena hears the question for what it is. "What would you want?" Helena asks, though she can hardly breathe as she lets herself think about this.

"If I'm dying?"

"Yes," Helena whispers as tears fall down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry Helena," Myka says, turning to look Helena in the eyes. "I won't leave you. I promise." The words tumble from Myka's lips, desperate to erase the pain from Helena's face.

Helena shakes her head. "We can talk about this. It's all right. I can't promise not to cry, but I promise that you can talk to me about dying."

"I don't want to leave you and Lizzie. Please know that."

"Of course I know. But that isn't what we're talking about."

"I just don't want to die like that."

"Ok," Helena says, and somehow Myka feels some of the fear lift. "If you were to decide that you didn't want treatment that would be all right Myka." Myka is overcome by how much she loves Helena, because Myka knows that her partner would want every second together that they could have. But here Helena is promising to accept any choice that Myka makes. "I believe that a person's death is an important part of their life, and I would never wish to take away your control over your life. I love you far too much to take that choice from you."

"Thank you," Myka says as she reaches her hand out to touch Helena's wet cheeks.

Helena smiles reassuringly at Myka, trying desperately to think of this all as a terrible hypothetical conversation. Helena cannot allow herself to think about what she would do if the doctor found a recurrence at Myka's next visit. "I'm your partner Myka. I'm going to be your wife. Please don't ever doubt that I will always be here to support any choice you make. But now, my love, do try to remember that this isn't a decision you need to make. Right now you are healthy."

Myka nods, feeling surprisingly calm and relieved. "Thank you Helena."

Helena sees Myka's need to be cared for now, to know that Helena can be strong for her. So Helena pushes back her own clawing fear and runs her hands up and down Myka's arms and kisses her hair, before pulling Myka against her chest and cradling her tightly. Myka presses her face against Helena and lets herself fall asleep to the feeling of Helena's heartbeat.

* * *

Myka wakes up to find Helena and Lizzie beside her. Helena is awake and watching Myka while Lizzie sleeps soundly on Helena's chest.

"Good morning," Myka whispers, a grin blossoming on her face at the sight in front of her.

"Good morning."

"When did Liz wake up?"

"A little before five. She just needed a new nappy." Lizzie had fallen back asleep easily on Helena's shoulder, but Helena had still been unsettled from her conversation with Myka and she hadn't been able to bring herself to set Lizzie back in her crib. Helena had craved the comfort of having the people she loves most surround her, and so she had returned to her bed with Lizzie in tow. Helena hadn't been able to fall back asleep, so she had concentrated on the warm breaths of air that her daughter exhaled and the rhythmic rise and fall of Myka's chest, and Helena had tried to convince herself that as long as her family was here with her she could keep them safe.

"She's getting so big. We're going to be potty training her soon," Myka says, hardly able to believe how quickly her daughter has grown this year.

"Indeed."

Myka inches closer and settles her arm around Helena's waist. "You look tired."

Helena smiles softly, ignores the comment, and rests her hand on the warm skin of Myka's arm. "Did you sleep all right?" Helena asks.

"I slept wonderfully, but I bet you know that since you were watching me all night."

Helena knows that there is no use in denying it. "Sometimes you dream without stirring. I couldn't be certain."

"No more dreams."

"I'm glad darling."

"I'm sorry for upsetting you. I didn't mean to ruin a perfect night."

Helena reaches forward to give Myka a quick kiss. "You did not ruin anything. We discussed something that needed discussing. And we can talk about it more anytime that you feel you need to."

Myka smiles her thanks. "Do you want to take a nap?"

"I'd rather stay awake and cuddle with you and Lizzie."

Myka nuzzles into Helena's neck. "As your fiancé," she tells Helena, loving how the word rolls off her tongue. "I believe that it is my job to indulge you in as much cuddling as you want."

"I love you Myka Bering-Wells."

"And I love you Helena Bering-Wells."


	11. Chapter 11

"Look who's home," Helena exclaims, causing Lizzie to look up from her work of picking dandelions from the lawn. "It's Mama!"

Lizzie stands and toddles towards Myka, Helena besides her daughter in case she loses her balance.

"Hi baby," Myka says as she reaches down and picks Lizzie up, swinging the girl around and making her giggle. "Mama missed you," she says kissing Lizzie's cheek and settling the baby on her hip.

"And you," Myka adds, pulling Helena to her for a kiss.

If Helena didn't spend so much of her time kissing Myka, she never would have noticed. But Myka's touch is more insistent, more possessive, more frightened perhaps, than a mere kiss hello after a too long day at work. "What's wrong?" Helena asks, scrutinizing Myka.

"We can talk about it later."

"Myka," Helena breathes, a little scared.

"I'm fine. I'll tell you once we put little Miss Elizabeth to bed. It's past your bedtime." Myka kisses Lizzie's hair again. "Are you tired?"

"No!" Lizzie says, shaking her head and smiling.

"Is that your favorite word now?"

"No."

Myka can't help but smile at this beautiful, perfect child. Lizzie's eyes shine playfully, a reminder to Myka that what she saw today was made right. She pulls Helena to her anyway.

"Shall we put your pajamas on?" Helena asks Lizzie. "Now that Mama's home, we can have story time." Lizzie smiles brightly at that, so very much her mothers' daughter already.

"I want to hear the next part of Mum's story too," Myka says, her voice shaking slightly. Helena looks at Myka again, face creasing with worry. Myka knows that Helena is imagining the worst and won't be able to relax until she hears the truth. "I saw the day that Artie erased with the astrolabe."

Helena wraps her arm tightly around Myka's waist. Helena can't remember that day, but she's heard from Artie what happened and she knows how difficult that must have been for Myka to see. "I'm right here, my love."

Myka nods and tries not to think of Helena's face as the bomb went off and engulfed her in flames.

"I'm here," Helena repeats. "You're home now with your family, and we will take care of you tonight."

"You always take care of me," Myka says, and she can feel herself losing the battle to keep her tears at bay. She had planned to wait until Lizzie was asleep to deal with how it had felt to watch Helena die for her. A couple of tears slip down Myka's cheeks, but she stops herself before losing control entirely.

"I always will," Helena confirms, "and I can, because I'm alive and well and right here by your side. Ok?"

"Ok," Myka agrees. "What did you and Liz do today?" she asks as they walk through the house to the nursery.

"We took a lovely jog this morning, and then Lizzie had a nap, so I was able to do some of the research that Artie asked me to complete. We spent the afternoon at the park. She just loves being outside so much."

Myka smiles. "She's so much like you already. It's crazy."

"I think she has a lot of her Mama in her too," Helena says, smiling at Lizzie and asking the little girl, "Don't you my darling?"

Myka rolls her eyes. Helena is always trying to convince her that genes don't matter in who their daughter will become, but Myka can see so clearly a child with such remarkable intelligence and curiosity that she obviously has inherited from Helena.

"When she smiles it makes nothing else in the world matter," Helena tells Myka. "It makes me smile so easily, even if I'm feeling cross or sad. You're the only other person alive with that power over me. She has  _your_  smile Myka."

"You make it so hard to be angry at you."

"Why are you angry?" Helena asks, slightly taken aback.

"You died Helena. You sacrificed yourself for me."

"You're right, we should talk about this after we put Lizzie to bed."

Helena opens Lizzie's dresser and pulls out a pair of pajamas. "Superheroes tonight?" she asks the little girl, holding them up for inspection.

Myka sets Lizzie down. "Arms up," Myka tells her daughter, pulling off her shirt. "Let's get you into your pajamas, and then Mum can tell us a story."

* * *

A half hour of story telling, one reading of  _Goodnight Moon_ , and three lullabies later, and Lizzie is settled soundly in her crib.

"I have dinner all ready," Helena says. "Let's talk over food."

Normally Myka would make a teasing comment about how much she loves having a house-soon-to-be-wife, but right now she can't manage a joke. "I'm not hungry. I can't get the image of you dying out of my head." Myka shakes her head, and she appears to Helena as if she's trying to force the memory from her mind.

Helena wraps Myka up in a hug. "It's nothing more than a bad memory."

"It was real Helena. You really sacrificed yourself for me."

"How did you see it?"

"I touched Freud's watch. Apparently time that's been turned back is still in your subconscious. I need you to make me a promise," Myka begins before Helena cuts her off.

"No."

"I didn't even ask yet."

"You're going to ask me not to do it again, but you know that's a promise I can't make."

Myka knows of course that Helena wouldn't give a second thought to dying for Myka, just as Myka would give her life for Helena's in an instant.

Helena cups Myka's cheek with her palm. "I would do anything to protect you and Lizzie. I could never promise otherwise."

"I know," Myka whispers. "I just," Myka shakes her head as tears start to fall. "I watched you die today."

Helena's hands are in Myka's hair, stroking, soothing, caressing. Helena's lips capture Myka's gently but firmly. Myka concentrates on the feeling of Helena surrounding her, warm and soft and loving. Alive and here in Myka's arms.

Helena leads Myka to their bedroom. It's all she can think to do to comfort Myka, to be as close as possible.

Myka is grasping frantically at Helena as they fall into bed, needing to be closer, to feel her partner's skin against her own.

"Shh, shh," Helena says, taking Myka's hands and kissing them before letting Myka continue undressing her.

"I love you," Myka whispers between fevered kisses. "I love you."

* * *

Myka lies half on top of Helena, legs intertwined, skin pressed against skin, feeling the soothing rise and fall of Helena's chest.

"Artie always said you sacrificed yourself for the warehouse," Myka says as her fingers absently draw patterns on the smooth skin of Helena's abdomen. "But you did it for me. You protected Artie, Pete, and me from the explosion, and then you just kept smiling at me until the end. I was devastated Helena, but you were so happy that you kept me safe."

This doesn't surprise Helena, and though she likes to think that she would give her life for a noble cause like the warehouse or the world, she knows that the only thing for which she would gladly die is her family. "It's all I want you know, Myka," Helena says seriously. "To keep you and Lizzie safe and happy."

Myka hates how Helena still sounds uncertain as to whether she knows this. "You make me so happy. I didn't know what happiness really felt like before you."

"Myka."

"It's true. How do you still not see who you are?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you remember the day that Artie erased? Before the part he erased I mean."

"Of course. You almost died by my hands. I'll never be able to forget that."

"You didn't believe that you mattered then. You didn't believe that your death would be a loss to anyone." Myka presses a hand to Helena's cheek, makes sure that Helena is really listening. "You were such an idiot."

Helena smiles. "I love you too," she jokes.

"You are the most amazing woman that I have ever known Helena Bering-Wells. You better never forget that again."

Helena squeezes Myka to her tightly. "Thank you," she whispers with the same reverence that Myka saw when Helena was about to die.

"I hate when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Make it sound like you are the lucky one in this relationship."

"I am the lucky one; I have you. And you know very well where I would be without you, where the whole world would be."

"Yeah, but do you ever think about where I would be without you? I need you as much as you need me. One day I'll make you believe that."

Helena smiles at Myka, keeps her arms wrapped tightly around her. "I'm not going anywhere Myka."

Myka rolls more fully on top of Helena, trapping her lover's body. "Oh I know."

"I'm very happy that you know that my love."

"You asked me to marry you," Myka says with the goofy smile that still overcomes her every time she thinks about marrying Helena.

"Yes I did. And if I recall you said yes."

"I sure did," Myka says, deciding to let the conversation shift to this happy topic. "I'll always say yes to you."

"Is that so?" Helena asks mischievously.

"What do you have in mind?" Myka asks with a grin.

"Chocolate cake."

"You made your chocolate cake? With ganache?"

"Of course."

"You stay here," Myka says smiling at Helena while pulling on her shirt, "I'll be back with cake."

 


	12. Chapter 12

_Her little girl is getting so big_ , Helena thinks as she lays a blanket over her wife and daughter as they slumber on the couch at the B&B. Lizzie used to fit so easily in her mama's arms, and now sprawled out on Myka's chest, Lizzie's feet, in their little reindeer patterned socks, reach below Myka's waist.

Helena removes Myka's glasses, careful not to wake her wife, and sets them on the coffee table. None of them have gotten much sleep in the past few days since Lizzie caught a cold, and Helena is glad that Myka and Lizzie are napping peacefully. Lizzie is snuggled into her mama's neck, and Myka is holding Lizzie tightly. Helena could watch them sleep all day and never be tired of the sight.

"She finally fell asleep?" Artie asks, walking up besides Helena. The little girl had been fussing since Myka and Helena arrived at the B&B for Christmas celebrations an hour ago.

"They both did."

Artie smiles down at the woman sleeping on the couch, a woman that he can still remember as the brilliant new agent who sought control and order, who had been almost as afraid of opening up to anyone as Artie himself had once been.

"Jelly donut?" Artie offers, holding out a plate of freshly cooked baked goods.

"Thanks you." Helena bites into the still warm donut. "This is delicious Artie."

"It's my grandmother's recipe. She made them every Hanukkah."

Helena smiles warmly at Artie.

"Artie," Claudia hollers from the other room. "We're about to start."

"Are you going to join us for  _It's a Wonderful Life_?"

"I think I'll stay here a while longer."

Artie nods and goes to join the rest of the warehouse team for their Christmas movie. Helena settles down on the floor besides the couch and watches her family sleep.

* * *

"Shh darling," Helena whispers as she coaxes Lizzie from Myka's arms. The little girl is fussing, obviously uncomfortable, and almost certainly on the verge of crying. "Let's let Mama rest."

"Helena?" Myka asks, barely awake.

"Go back to sleep love," Helena says, settling Lizzie on her hip and leaning over to kiss Myka's forehead.

Myka mumbles incoherently, making Helena chuckle as she tucks the blankets more tightly around Myka and carries Lizzie from the room. Lizzie is crying unhappily, and Helena presses a kiss to her daughter's overly warm forehead. "Let's get you some more medicine."

Lizzie keeps up her crying as Helena retrieves her bag and carries Lizzie up to the bathroom. "I know, love. It isn't fair that you feel so badly on Christmas." Helena closes the door to the small bathroom and turns on the hot water in the tub allowing the room to fill with steam. Helena pulls a bottle of children's Motrin from her bag and coaxing an unhappy Lizzie to swallow the medicine. "That's my big girl!" Helena coos once Lizzie has finished.

Lizzie snuggles further into her mum's chest. She's a few months shy of two years old and beginning to explore her world more and more every day. But when she's sick or scared the little girl clings to her mothers. The complete trust that Lizzie places in her is still unnerving to Helena some days, still feels misplaced when Helena thinks of Christina. But Myka and Elizabeth trust Helena, trust her and love her so much, and every day Helena tries to be the person that her family believes her to be.

* * *

"Coffee?" Abigail offers when Helena walks into the kitchen. Last time Helena poked her head in looking for caffeine, she had found Artie and Claudia chasing Pete away from the desserts. The chaos had dashed Helena's hopes of obtaining coffee, but she has returned once the noise had quieted down.

"Yes please!"

Abigail hands a very grateful Helena a mug before pouring herself a cup. "How's she feeling?"

"Just about the same I'm afraid."

"She looks content now," Abigail says. She isn't much of a baby person, but she can't help but smile at the way Lizzie is cuddled into the crook of Helena's neck.

"Hopefully she'll be able to sleep a while longer this time. She barely slept last night."

"You all seem pretty tired today."

Helena nods. "Myka and I have been spoiled. Lizzie's been sleeping through the night for a year now. I think we forgot what it's like to be sleep deprived."

"I made the coffee extra strong."

"I appreciate that."

Artie walks into the kitchen to check on the turkey. "You two aren't in here to steal donuts are you? Because we are saving some for Steve and his mother when they get back from the airport."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Helena replies.

Abigail leads the way from the kitchen. "I learned pretty quickly to get out of the way when Artie is cooking. He's a great chef, but very territorial."

"The result of some childhood trauma, no doubt," Helena jokes.

"I'm not in that business anymore."

"You did a good job with me nonetheless," Helena says as she settles herself on the couch in the B&B den.

Abigail sits down in the chair next to Helena. "I appreciate that."

"It's the truth." Helena stares down at Lizzie. "You helped me be ready to be her mother."

"It's wonderful to see you so happy."

Helena knows why Abigail left her former profession, and Helena certainly understands self-doubt. She smiles warmly at Abigail. "I'm not certain that I would have been able to accept how happy I am now without your assistance."

"It was my pleasure Helena."

"Do you ever think about going back to psychology?"

"Sometimes," Abigail admits. "I miss it, but I'm not sure I trust myself to do it again."

"Warehouse agents serve as test cases then?" Helena teases.

"No, it's just difficult…"

"I know. But for whatever my opinion is worth, you have nothing to worry about."

"Thank you," Abigail says sincerely. "What about you? Do you miss working?"

"I do, but I'm not ready to leave Elizabeth yet."

"That's fine," Abigail says, not meaning to have sounded accusatory with her question. "As long as you're happy."

"Very. I miss being in the field, but I love being home with Lizzie so much more. And I've been writing quite a bit, plus fiddling with our appliances more than Myka appreciates."

"I hear my name," Myka says as she pads into the room. Her curls are messy from sleep and her eyes heavily lidded behind her glasses. The sight still makes Helena's heart ache with how much she loves Myka.

"Good morning darling," Helena teases.

"How long was I asleep?"

"About an hour," Helena replies as she wraps her arm around her wife. Myka cuddles herself into Helena's side, humming softly with contentment and laying her head on Helena's shoulder.

"Thanks for taking Lizzie. I really needed that nap."

"Do you feel better now?"

"Mmhmm," Myka says, as Helena's hand draws soothing lines up and down her arm, practically lulling Myka back to sleep. "Do you want me to take Lizzie so you can take a nap?"

"I'm all right for now. Abigail makes wonderfully strong coffee."

"Would you like me to get you a cup?" Abigail asks.

"Don't get up," Myka tells the innkeeper. "I'll just steal some of Helena's."

"You most certainly will not."

Myka looks up at Helena with her best pout and puppy dog eyes. Helena laughs and hands Myka her mug. "Only because it's Christmas, and I'm feeling charitable."

Myka smirks at her wife. "We're married now. What's yours is mine. I was only asking as a formality. That coffee is half mine anyway."

Helena rolls her eyes, but she simply cannot stop smiling. Her wife is snuggled against her, and their daughter is sleeping soundly on Helena's lap, and she doesn't think she could erase the smile from her lips if she tried.

Abigail watches the little family, watches two women so very happy together, so very comfortable in their own skin and content with the life they have built. Abigail wonders whether she had been wrong when she had left psychology, when she had lost faith in people's ability to change, because the women in front of her have surely changed for each other and because of each other. The sight makes Abigail smile.


	13. Chapter 13

"Muuumm!" Five-year-old Lizzie exclaims with a pout from her cozy spot in bed between her mothers. "I want to know what happens next!"

"And you shall, my love. Tomorrow."

"No fair."

"What's a good story without some suspense?" Helena asks. "Besides you need your rest, you have a big day tomorrow."

Lizzie smiles with the same enthusiasm that Myka remembers having for her own first science fair.

"You did an amazing job on your project sweetheart," Myka says proudly of the solar system diorama that she and Helena helped their daughter paint. Lizzie grins widely at her mother's compliment.

"All right our little brilliant girl," Helena says, "Time for you to go to bed. Mama and I want to boast about you tomorrow, and we won't be able to do that if you fall asleep during the science fair."

Lizzie rolls her eyes in a way that Helena insists is all Myka, though Myka can see nothing but Helena in the gesture.

Helena wraps her arms around her daughter. "I love you my darling. Sleep well."

"I love you too," Lizzie replies as her mum presses a kiss to her forehead. Lizzie turns to Myka next, opening her arms wide and waiting for her mama's hug. "I love you Mama," she says as Myka squeezes her tightly and peppers her cheeks with kisses.

"I love you so much Liz!" Myka replies before letting go of her daughter and waiting for the girls to get comfortable on her pillow. Myka and Helena tuck Lizzie in tightly before blowing kisses at her as they turn out the light and leave their daughter's room.

* * *

"You should write those stories down," Myka suggests as she and Helena clean up the arts and crafts supplies from their earlier diorama making adventure.

"They're just silly little tales," Helena says.

"They're really great, Helena. I'm serious, even if you don't do anything with them, I'm sure that Lizzie will love having a book of the stories that you wrote for her."

"If you think she'll like that I'll start writing them down."

"Of course she'll like that. You know how much I cherish each and every story you've written for me," Myka says, wrapping her arms around Helena's waist.

Helena clasps her hands together around the small of Myka's back and pulls her wife tightly against her body. "Do you know how much I cherish you?" Helena whispers before pressing her lips to Myka's.

Myka whimpers against Helena's lips, but the noise is unfamiliar, the sound of pain more than desire. Helena pulls back to look at Myka. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, um, just a little stomachache," Myka says, and Helena feels her heart plummet.

"How long have you been feeling sick?" Helena asks, trying desperately to stay calm.

"About a week," Myka whispers.

"What does the pain feel like?"

Myka's eyes fill instantly with tears. "Like last time," Myka manages in a tiny voice.

Helena takes a deep breath and forces herself to be strong for her wife. Helena presses a hand to Myka's cheek, stares into her eyes confidently. "Most likely you are completely fine and this is nothing to worry about, but you need to get it checked out, all right?"

"I'm sorry Helena," Myka says, unable to stop herself from crying. "I should have told you. I just, I don't want this to be…" She can't say the word, refuses to acknowledge the possibility out loud.

"I know," Helena says, pulling Myka to her, careful not to cause her anymore pain. Helena presses her lips to Myka's temple. "We'll call Dr. Diaz first thing in the morning."

"I'm sorry," Myka repeats, burrowing her face into Helena's shoulder. She's been so stupid, such a coward. How could she have waited so long a second time?

"Let's try our best not to worry before we need to, my love. For tonight, let me do my best to distract you. There's no use thinking the worst before we know anything." Myka is breathing heavily against Helena's shoulder as Helena rubs circles on her wife's back. "It's most likely nothing," Helena says as confidently as she can manage.

"I know," Myka agrees, taking a step back from Helena and trying to collect herself. "Let's finish cleaning up."

"It can wait for the morning. What do you say to cocoa, twizzlers, and a  _Doctor Who_  marathon?"

Myka half sobs, half laughs. "You know me too well."

"I know you as you know me, my love." Helena wraps her arm around Myka's waist. "Come on. We need cocoa."

"Yes we do." Myka presses herself into Helena's side. She is trying so desperately not to fall apart right, but she is so terrified, feels like she might be sick at any moment. Helena rubs her back and kisses her cheek, and Myka knows that Helena is just as afraid as she is, but Myka takes lets her wife be strong for her anyway because she simply does not know what else to do.

* * *

Myka can't stop the trembling as the walks out of the doctor's office. The trembling or the nervous shocked laughter. "I think I need to sit down for a minute," Myka says as her knees shake.

Helena wraps her arms around Myka, supporting her weight. "It's ok. I've got you," Helena says as she helps Myka into a waiting room chair. "You're ok," Helena says, rubbing circles on Myka's back.

"I am," Myka says, laughing again. "I was so scared."

"I know. So was I. But you are just fine, Myka."

"Yeah, I am," Myka says again, trying to convince herself. "Ok, I'm all right to get up now I think."

"We can sit a moment longer. There's no hurry."

Myka's arms are still shaking slightly as she pulls Helena into her arms. "Thank you," Myka whispers into her wife's ear. Myka is a mess, a shaking, crying emotional mess, and Helena is the only person in the world that Myka can bare to have see her like this.

"There's nothing to thank me for."

But as Myka grasps at Helena she wants to thank her for each and every moment together, she wants to thank Helena for being so strong even though she was terrified too. "I love you so much," Myka says and the tears are falling harder now, soaking Helena's shirt.

"I love you too," Helena says, rocking Myka back and forth. "Take a deep breath Myka."

"I'm ok," Myka says sitting up and wiping her cheeks. "Let's get out of here."

"As you wish," Helena says, standing and extending a hand to Myka. "What do you say to going home and taking a nap? We have a few hours before we have to be at Lizzie's school."

"I love that idea," Myka says, now beginning to feel the exhaustion of a night spent awake and worrying.

"Glad to hear it. I'm knackered."

"I'm so sorry for scaring you," Myka says as she and Helena walk out of the doctor's office hand in hand.

"You should have told me sooner," Helena says, finally letting these words out now that she knows that everything is ok.

"I just wanted to ignore it."

"I know, but please, please don't you dare put your health in jeopardy like that again."

"I won't. I promise Helena," she says seriously. Myka may hate the idea of fighting cancer again, but she cannot,  _will not_ , force her wife and daughter to live without her.

"Good," Helena says with a squeeze of Myka's hand. She doesn't tell Myka that she can't live without her, that the thought of losing Myka keeps Helena awake some nights. Helena won't put that burden on her wife, doesn't ever want Myka to worry about what will happen to Helena if she gets has a recurrence.

* * *

"Thank you," Myka whispers as Helena crawls into bed behind her. Helena's arms wrap gently around Myka, her lips press a soft, warm kiss to Myka's neck.

"What for?"

"Being my strength."

"Always. Just as you are mine." Helena had vowed when she returned to Univille to never let Myka down again. Myka is the strongest person that Helena has ever met, strong and proud and private, and it means everything to Helena that Myka opened herself up to her. Helena will be damned if she does anything to betray the trust that her wife has placed in her.

Helena squeezes Myka's hands in her own and presses herself closer and closer to Myka's back. Myka can feel the desperation and the need, and so she turns in Helena's arms and stares into her eyes and reminds her that she's still here.


End file.
